Low-Carb Movement Gains Internet Celebrity Support
Low-Carb Movement Gains Internet Celebrity Support
Noted Internet fatass cowboyneal has a new reason to eat a pound of ground beef, only this time it is not deep fried in corn batter and surrounded by curly fries. No, on a routine trip to Carl's jr. he tells me that he discovered the low carb six dollar burger purely by accident, originally thinking of it as a way to eat more fat and not be filled with bread. It became more of an obsession than linux douchebaggery. The psychological heirarchy of needs is proven once again.
Instead of his normal deep fried vegetable fat intake this is animal fat, something that feeds the carnal nature of all man. It is also the main stay of one of the most popular low-carb diet crazes to hit the market. The atkin's nutritional approach is driven not by a lower fat intake, or a particularly low caloric intake but rather high protein and high fat in the initial stages of the diet, it is safe to continue induction for up to six months. This induction phase is what cowboyneal had stumbled upon.
GNAA reporter GuyNiguere questioned Carl's jr. employee and undercover informant JesuitX about cowboyneal's visits to the fast food chain. Upon questioning JesuitX pulled his 2-foot nigger cock out of the mayonnaise vat and began cursing the franchise owner and anyone who looked like that "chink Korean penny pinching assface with the black heart of a Jew banker foreclosing on a struggling rural family in western Nebraska". Having never actually answered any questions GuyNiguere decided to stake the restaurant out him self. These are the findings of the stake out:
GuyNiguere, stake out report. Day 1
After a morning of no relevant activity I believe I have hit the motherlode so to speak, after feeling several small tremors and noticing the scent of burning pork and Marlboro light cigarettes he appeared. This magnificent behemoth of a man resembling a pasty white pre-surgery Al Roker genetically crossed with a tokyox hog. I knew at once it was the unspeakable, the terrible, the unimaginable, CowBoyNeal. After slipping on his own sweat and having three employees with a hand truck prop him up at the counter he proceeded to order fourteen low-carb six-dollar burgers. Enough beef to feed the children of an entire AOL call center.
I feel I must talk to this incredible beast but the crunch of burger wrappers and commotion of Carl's jr. employees is just too much for me. Today has been a momentous day, and I would love to get the story first hand from the man, but surely his failing eyesight, latent racism, and my natural nigger tendencies to wear bright colors could mean certain death. Perhaps tomorrow, I need to regain my strength.
The GNAA reporter had every right to be afraid, for the next day he attempted to talk to the infamous butterball and was likely savagely devoured much to the amazement of the GNAA. Always the forward thinker he decided to use his stolen laptop to broadcast the interview live via irc. This shocking moment in slashdot/gnaa relations is both disturbing and enlightening.
GuyNiguere: I'm here with cowboyneal, I am about to go ask him about his weight loss, I may die, but to leave this world in service of the GNAA is the most noble way to go.
GuyNiguere: Cowboyneal, I see you've lost a lot of weight, how did you manage to do it?
GuyNiguere: He says that I look tasty and that he has lost almost a quarter of his weight 475 lbs. so far by simply eating nothing more than six-dollar burgers dripping with ranch dressing.
GuyNiguere: How did you notice the weight loss, forgive me but a quarter of your weight isn't all that much in the scope of things.
GuyNiguere: He says the first indication was when his wife found his penis and he's been pumping the porker ever since she figured out how to support his cockapron with a pneumatic cylinder.
GuyNiguere: How has your new diet changed your life?
GuyNiguere: He said I look like I'm made of tasty nigger meat and that it has allowed him to come to terms with his failed weblog. In addition he has found out that he has more energy to eat and advocate dead operating systems such as BSD. He also tells me that he has been able to switch back to normal keyboards for all his typing, but has had to give up keeping his Macintosh laptop underneath his musty manteats.
GuyNiguere: Pardon the personal questions Neal, but have you found the psychological reason that you have such an eating disorder?
GuyNiguere: he's looking at me funny but says that he first noticed the weight gain trying to get his webcam to work on an early distribution of redhat linux. Depressed at the rampant failure and unable to give up the operating system in favor of something that actually works his diet consisted mostly of double layered pizzas and pork fried rice. The list he is giving me is too long and the look in his eyes is beginning to concern me. I think he means anything delivered to his door.
GuyNiguere: OMG He's still rambling about food I think he's shifting his weight to me, I hope to god someone brings him another burger. I'm ending this interview now.
GuyNiguere was never heard from again. It is my fondest hope that he at least made it out of there alive and with any hope is still nursing the mental wounds from his experience praying somewhere in the woods unable to interact with society due to his disgusting experience, much like a Vietnam vet. Something tells me that is not the case. The atkin's diet has worked for cowboyneal; unfortunately, GuyNiguere was also low carb. May he be blessed with the holy nigger seed.
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